Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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