I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
