Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
