I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize