No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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