They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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