Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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