when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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