Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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