I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
