mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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