It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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