I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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