I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
