I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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