Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize