btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
