Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
