my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
