yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
