I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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