Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
