You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
