my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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