I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
