Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
