how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
