We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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