who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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