That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize