is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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