i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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