Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
