I met the friendliest cop last night
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
