I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
