i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
