I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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