I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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