i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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