she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
