I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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