I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
