tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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