Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
