They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
