I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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