so that wasnt chicken after all
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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