apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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