ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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