You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize