For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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