Who wears a wallet chain?!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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