you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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