she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
