Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
