The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize