I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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