capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
its liver damage thursday
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize