Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
