im holly from the hills drunk
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize