The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
