i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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