we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
