I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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