Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
