If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He did a backflip because drugs
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
