New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
