the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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