I think i peed on brittanys purse
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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