Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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