I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
FUCK WHALES
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
