In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize