so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
