im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
