i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
