oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
