I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize