You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
